With especial thanks to the following members of the Goosemoose Rats Rule! forum:
| Item | Definition |
| Aaah | Like 'cute' (q.v.), this expression means that your human properly adores you and that you are now in an alpha position within the household. |
| Avocado | Food of the Gods. The flesh of this food is sumptuous and divine. If your human presents you with one of these, you are truly blessed, and must give it lots of praise. Caution: you must not eat too much, or you'll start to waddle. Neither must you approach the outer shell nor the stone in the centre, because they are extremely bad for you and will make you extremely ill. If your human even thinks about giving you one, bite it. |
| Bag | Large pouch carried around by humans, usually containing a wealth of interesting things to explore and carry off (q.v. pocket). |
| Bath | A human form of grooming inflicted upon the rat whom it considers does not smell pleasant, thus removing all identifying scent and rendering you cold, wet and the laughing stock of your cagemates. Caution: can be distressing; as it involves water which your human appears to want to immerse you in, before scrubbing at your fur with shampoo (q.v.) and then trying to bury you in a towel (q.v.). Try to enliven the process by splashing as much as you can with your tail, distributing the water to the human by running to its shoulder then diving into its clothes (q.v.), and sulking at your human till they feed you many treats. |
| Bead | Small solid protuberance from fabric which is nice to chew on. |
| Bed | Human's nest. |
| Belly kisses | An arduous torment for the independent rat, involving the human either rolling the unsuspecting rat onto its back or suspending the rat by its upper body, and clicking its lips (q.v.) upon the vulnerable fur thus exposed. For the relaxed, elderly or affectionate rat, this can be a pleasurable experience and is to be interpreted as a compliment bestowed by human to rat. |
| Book | Large square thing, which makes great bedding when chewed, and a nice ripping noise when pulled. |
| Bracelet | Similar to a necklace (q.v.) but which the human places just below its forepaw. A similar item is a watch, which tends to be more close-fitting and therefore not so easy to chew or play tugsie with. |
| Burrito rat | Periodically your human may decide that your nails are too long, and decide to trim them. In order to prevent the sturdy, proud rat from refusing to go along with this form of human beauty ‘therapy’, your human may roll you up in a towel (q.v.), with only your nose and one paw revealed to the outside world. Remember, that nose is placed above some teeth. Use them if necessary. |
| Camera | Shiny box which your human holds in front of it, which will whirr and click. The human will then, with great delight, show its cage-mates, leaving you to practise your poses in peace. Caution: some cameras feature a startlingly bright, sudden light, which can dazzle and frighten those with ruby- or red-eyes. A warning can sometimes be identified by a small pulsing light illuminating on the camera. If you see this, turn your back immediately. To be on the safe side, it is recommended that you turn your backs at all times when a camera is produced. |
| Car | Peculiar animal which appears to hold humans inside it. Moves of its own accord and makes a deep growling sound. When inside, you will be placed in a smaller cage (q.v. travel cage) with very little sustenance and will probably only be aware of the movement, as your human may deem it unnecessary - or even stressful - for you to have a good view of the new things to see. |
| Carpet | Soft covering placed on the base of the humans' cage. Fits closely into the corners, thus creating a playful opportunity to find its edge and chew. |
| Cat | Large animal (although smaller than a dog, q.v.) which seems determined to enter your cage. Can sometimes, but rarely, be friendly, but is usually to be feared. |
| CD | Round shiny object, which is food for the stereo (q.v.). Can be peed on, but is otherwise a relatively dull toy. |
| Child | A human kitten, who will take great pains to stick small objects through the bars of your cage, taunt you, hold you rather too firmly for your liking, and cry when you understandably want some peace and quiet and hide in your favourite spot. Under no circumstances must a Child be scratched or bitten. Like your own offspring, they are not yet accustomed to self-control, and all rats must be tolerant of them. |
| Cleaning | What your human does periodically to remove all your pleasant smells, and replace your comfortable bedding and nesting materials with stiff, unscented items, usually in the wrong place. |
| Clothes | Strange items humans put around themselves to compensate for having no fur. |
| Computer | Toy to run across and pee on. |
| Cooking | A seemingly-unnecessary food preparation process your human will do prior to feeding. However, this can render food more pleasant. Caution: most cooking involves the application of heat, rendering treats appropriated from plates (q.v.) potentially dangerous. |
| Cup | Human’s drinking bottle. Note: often contains substances other than water, which smell enticing but which will be removed from your reach when you try to investigate. |
| Cupboard | Large hole with a solid door. Usually contains a variety of things to explore. Caution: do not get trapped in the cupboard without your human’s knowledge; it can be a very distressing experience for both you and your human. |
| Cushion | Square thing which is soft, and fun to climb on or hide under. |
| Cute | This is a word that signals you can do just about anything and get away with it. Once your human begins to emit this word in your relationship multiple times in a span of minutes you can be assured that you have attained your rightful place of sovereignty within the household. |
| Daddy | Dominant male human of the household. Getting you was not his idea so he may be somewhat aloof upon you moving into his household. You must immediately work on enslaving him. Not as maternal as the female variety, you must go to great lengths to get his attention; particularly when he reads a wide paperish device called a newspaper. Wait until you see he is looking contentedly at the neswpaper, and squawk as though injured - this will cause him to go to the cage to investigate. Make sure the female human is not around or she will cut in front of him and begin to investigate with much maternal cooing. This is pleasant but not your mission when you are trying to win over the male human. It helps if you hold one paw limply as though it is injured. He will open the cage and gently hold your paw. Duck your head under his fingers so he will be tempted to pet you. Lick him. Wait for him to smile: this is a sign you are completing the enslavement process. Look hungry, look at the disgusting healthy food in your full bowl and look down at the tub with your treat bag. If he gives you a treat, brux loudly and lick his fingers. Though this will pretty much complete the process of enslavement you will also need to look pathetically hungry whenever he eats ice cream, popcorn or anything else you feel he must share. This reinforces the sharing behaviour and your power over him. |
| Dog | Large smelly animal which likes to poke its nose to the bars of your cage. You can defend your territory by a sharp swipe of claws to said nose. |
| Duvet | Human's nesting material. What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine, right? |
| Earring | Metal thing which can be chewed and tugged at. To be found in your human's lower ear. Note: similar items may be found in lip, nose or eyebrow. |
| Eyelashes | Small whiskers that protrude around the rim of the eye. Occasionally covered in make-up (q.v.) which might emit a curious scent. |
| Finger | One of five long, skin-covered, bendable grasping implement attached to each fore-paw. Humans enjoy your attempts at grooming, but do not be puzzled by the lack of fur, it is just the human's way. |
| Finger-/toenail | Human’s claw. Can be covered in a type of make-up (q.v.) called nail varnish, which can be removed with careful nibbling. It doesn't taste very nice, though. |
| Fishbowl | Very large round or square drinking bowl, filled with moving, twinkly, colourful things which might smell intriguing to some noses. Caution: the particularly inquisitive rat is advised not to try to capture the twinkly things: they are your human's treasure and must not be taken for fear of earning severe disapprobation and the loss of treats or playtime. Note also that the careless rat might fall in, thus distressing both itself (q.v. bath), its human and the twinkly things. |
| Glasses | Metal things which rest between a human's ears and nose. Can be used successfully to climb onto your human's head. |
| Hair | Human's head fur. Sometimes also found where forelegs join body, and on its hind legs. |
| Hoover | A noisy, distressing animal which your human will chase throughout its cage, before wrestling it into submission and shutting it into a cupboard (q.v.). |
| Houseplant | This is a descendant of the mythical Tree of Life under which our ancestors lived. Accordingly, as our Elders have instructed, it is very important to check for Signs among the Roots. Your human believes the tree to be mere ornament, and will chastise you for your fervour. To pay it back for its heresy, spread the diggings as far and as wide as you possibly can, especially if the human has a carpet (q.v.). |
| Keys | Shiny metal things which jingle, and which are a good size to appropriate as a cage adornment. For added fun, take these when your human is about to leave its cage for the day. |
| Lips | Placed at the entrance to the mouth, these are a pair of horizontal, squashy, dark-coloured skin cushions. Given that rats have no lips, when first encountering these strange facial items the inquisitive rat may be inclined to try to withdraw them to a safe corner to investigate at its leisure; bear in mind they are attached and excessive force may result in pain and upset to the human. Instead, be gentle and explore them in situ. |
| M&M | Edible bead-like treat which is made of temptingly delicious material known as chocolate. The health-aware rat should know that this is not a good food of which to partake too frequently. But if the humans leave the bag lying around, all good rats should take advantage of their opportunist genes and stash as many as can be found. |
| Make-up | Some humans like to adorn their faces with colourful powder or paint. This 'make-up' is likely to be concentrated on the eye and mouth regions. It is likely to render your human odd-smelling but is not to be thought a cause for concern. One particular type of make-up, applied to the eyelashes (q.v.), can make them feel quite crunchy to the exploratory nibble. This is liable to distress your human unless you are very gentle indeed. |
| Medicine | When a rat is under the weather, its human may see fit to administer foul-tasting liquid or powder clumsily disguised as a treat. As the wise rat realises that proper treats are only administered to healthy rats, it is to be concluded that this ‘medicine’ is a punishment for being poorly. Fight for your right to decent treats by pushing the food away forcefully, turning your head aside, struggling out of your human’s hands, or, when all else fails, puff up your fur to make yourself look bigger, and sulk. |
| Mirror | Flat object with a dull surface on one side, and another rat looking at you on the other. Do not try to side-barge with this rat, for you will fail. Very large mirrors may hang on a human’s cage wall, but others are the perfect size to hide in your cage. You can then bury it under your stinkiest litter corner to prevent the other rat from glaring at you. |
| Mobile phone | Square thing, sometimes with a strap, which makes strange noises and which the human uses to squeak at, holding it to its ear at the same time. Fun to steal if you want your human to laugh and play tug-of-war with. |
| Necklace | Loop of metal, fabric, leather or plastic which adorns your human below its head. Generally, but not exclusively, found on the female human. |
| No | A meaningless noise that humans insist on using. Usually you hear this in response to something you've discovered you can get into, get behind or chew through. Sometimes other noises are used in conjunction with it that cause the human's skin to flush. This is a strange neurological condition persistent among humans and should be ignored so as not to bring embarrassment upon your human. The poor things really do get upset about the strangest things; it's best not to bring attention to their outbursts. |
| Olive oil | Slippery, yellow liquid. Renders one’s fur glossy and well-scented. For the full effect, eat the oil-soaked offering, then anoint yourself in the leftover drips by rolling in the foodbowl. |
| Plaster | Close-fitting fabric or plastic item, usually found on the fingers (q.v.). Because the humans have no fur, their skin is more vulnerable to scrapes and over-enthusiastic nibbles, which cause a flow of red stuff which the plaster is designed to curtail. Clearly there is a wound underneath which needs to be carefully tended to by the caring rat, but these efforts are often met with frustration due to the tenacity of the plaster. |
| Plate | Human’s food bowl. Often used in conjunction with metal things (cutlery) to convey food to mouth, as humans are not adept at using their paws to hold their food to their mouths. Caution: the noise of the cutlery on the plate is sometimes loud, and not pleasant. However, the game of trying to capture food from the plate outweighs any agitation resulting from the noise. |
| Small pouch found on human’s clothes (q.v.). Nice to snuggle in. Can often contain entertaining objects to reassign to your cage. | |
| Raisin | Strange word humans use for rat poop. Also a dried up grape that is fairly tasty to eat. Do not confuse the two, as this will displease and upset the humans. |
| Remote control | Long plastic thing which is great to pee on, with nice chewy round things on one surface which can be nibbled, much to your human's consternation. |
| Rug | Soft, thin item humans place on the base of their cages. Sometimes has a fringed edge, which is satisfying to play with and chew, especially if the removal of a tassel is affected without the human's awareness (enlist the help of colleagues to distract, if necessary). Can also be used to tunnel under and roll up in. |
| Shampoo | A perfumed liquid which strips you of your identifying scent. Used in conjunction with water. |
| Shelf | A horizontal surface used to store books (q.v.). Climbing is tricky up a flight of shelves, and is therefore good exercise. Take it in turns to see how far you can get before your human notices you. Some shelves have a space between the top of the books and the underside of the next shelf up, which can make a nice dark space to recline in. This also affords the clever rat the opportunity to create bedding from the books. |
| Shoe | Item which a human places upon its hind paw. Usually is adorned with string, straps or similar, to tug and chew. Can also be used to hide, curl up or sleep in. Features a wealth of smells to investigate. |
| Sock | Encloses the human's hind paw. Contains a great deal of interesting smell; extensive efforts to engage with this smell may result in the paw being frustratingly removed from your reach. |
| Sofa | Human's seating area. Usually has cushions (q.v.) and sometimes a throw (q.v.). It is good sport to run to the exact spot your human was going to sit on, to test their reflexes and make sure they do not become too lazy. |
| Spaghetti | Long edible string, which is either given in stiff pieces to crunch on, or floppy, cooked (q.v.) strands to nibble on. Caution: when securing a piece of either variety, run to a safe spot as soon as you can. Due to its length, it is common for one of your cage mates to find the other end, which leads to a disharmonious cage. |
| Stereo | A curious, inert animal which your human feeds with CDs, and which then emits an excited squeaking in appreciation. |
| Sweatshirt | A particular form of clothes (q.v.) which consists of very warm, snuggly fabric for the tired, relaxed or elderly rat to curl up inside. For best results ensure a human is present inside the sweatshirt. Note: to aid the human’s ventilation, it is important to assist with the creation of holes to ensure adequate cooling and air circulation. |
| Teeth | Human teeth are far inferior to the rat’s proud dental array. Because of this, bruxing is not often to be found in the human. To show how it is done, it is advised to sit on the human’s shoulder and brux into its ear. This demonstration will encourage your human to learn, although humans are not blessed with the same nimble mental agility as the rat possesses and therefore may not realise you are trying to teach them, so patience is required. |
| Television | A large square item that often takes a dominant position in the humans’ cage. It sometimes emits a bright, dancing light and human-type squeaking, and appears to be hypnotic in some way to your human. It has long been debated among the higher rat circles if this is why humans are clearly not as intelligent as rats. |
| Throw | An item that humans place upon their sofa in order to prevent you from having fun in the corners. |
| Tissues | Very thin, frail items which are dispensed from a box. The home decorator may choose to rip the tissue, crumple it up into nesting material, or empty the box to make a new nest. Caution: the box may offer some resistance to disgorging its contents; should you find this to be the case, enlist the help of your cage mates and do not be put off by the box attempting to come with you, it is only being friendly. |
| Toes | On the end of each human’s hindpaw is five hairless squashy things, tipped in a toenail (q.v. fingernails). These are not as adept by far as the rat’s claws, and are clearly not as well-groomed as rat paws, as they often harbour a great deal of smell. |
| Toilet paper | Made of the same substance as tissues (q.v.), but is wrapped around a small tube. You may be familiar with these tubes from your kittenhood. Grasp the loose end between your forepaws or teeth, and pull or reverse. You will find the paper unrolls and creates magnificent streamers which can be used to decorate your cage. |
| Tongue | Fleshy protuberance secreted in the human’s mouth. Its purpose is unidentified, but seems to be connected with the consumption of food. It is certainly not associated with grooming. |
| Towel | Large square of fabric used for many purposes, chief of which is to remove wetness from objects. If you see it, hide, as it is likely you will become that wet object shortly (q.v. bath). |
| Travel cage | A mysterious small cage without bars and with minimal opportunity for observing the world. Involves a lot of movement, and when opened you will find yourself in a new location. Needless to say this can be very disconcerting. Your human will indulge you with extra treats on these occasions, so it is worth enduring. Note: sometimes called a ‘carrier’. |
| Training | What your human thinks it is doing when it makes a funny noise and waves a treat at you. |
| Vet | If you are suspected of being under the weather, your human may take you to see a sterile-smelling human in a white or green coat. Its cage has a large room filled with many strange humans, cats (q.v.) and dogs (q.v.), in which you and your human will be required to wait. In the absence of any other reason for this, it is concluded that this is to provide pause for philosophical reflection on the lack of toys. Your human will then escort you to meet the Vet who will place you on a cold, shiny table and handle your tender parts roughly. Your human and the Vet human have entered into some form of negotiation whereby you are at liberty to pee, poo, scratch and squirm as much as you like; as you are ill, you will be forgiven. Perhaps this is to make up for the lack of playing opportunities. |
| Visitor | An unknown human who is invited, by your human, to stand and stare at your cage. Make yourself as imploring and endearing as possible, to encourage the distribution of treats. |
| Wheel | A plastic dish with straight sides, hung vertically on the cage wall by the centre. It is to be understood that humans expect you to stand within the wheel and run, rotating the wheel about its central fixing. Clearly you will get nowhere fast doing this, so don't waste your time. It is perhaps another indication of the superiority of the rat when he realises that humans pay a great deal to visit a special cage with fellow humans and run on a similar device, without realising it is not getting anywhere, no matter how quick the pace. |
| Wire | Long, thin thing which is nice to chew, but will distress your human if you do. Cannot be removed to your cage for further investigation as is usually tethered at either end to sundry items your human places around your play zone. Also known as 'cable'. |
| Yogies | A favourite treat of the humans, awarded in especial recognition of your superiority. |
| Yuck | A noise in response to the creative and artistic expression of any of your bodily discharges. It is wholly complimentary and should be encouraged by more creative bodily behaviour on your part. |
| Zipper | An odd metal thing which is sometimes attached to the Human's clothes (q.v.). They say it holds up their clothes. If you see one of these queer little objects, grab it firmly with your mouth and drag it up and down. Repeat this over and over (q.v. cute), enjoying the resultant neat little whizzing noise. |
© H. Dunsterville and the above-named contributors, 2008